I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
