he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
