one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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