Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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