anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
