I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
