Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
