dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
