Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
