Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
