at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
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