Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
