I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
