new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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