I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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