do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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