My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
