i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
