I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
