I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
