I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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