u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
