so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
