I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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