She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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