How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
