i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
