now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
