The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
