She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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