Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
