I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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