When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
