Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
