No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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