i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
