but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
