You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
