I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
