Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
two words...techno handjob
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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