I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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