my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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