eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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