I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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