I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
