I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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