If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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