You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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