I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
