The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
