That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
