i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
